Back to School

First day back at school after a week of sudden disappearance sounds easy enough, but when you have to explain the sudden death of your grandfather a hundred or so times, the day seems to drag on. I simply want to know why, after you elaborate on the funeral, people have this incredible need to ask "So was Scotland fun?" Of course Scotland wasn't fun you idiots! So as the day wore on I got about a thousand hugs, "I missed you's" and questions about the trip. By lunch everything was normal again (well as normal as I could possibly get) Vendela talked to Marcus about turnabout and he said he would go with me, well he said it more enthusiastically than that. I think Katie overheard Vendela and Marcus' conversation because she didn't look very happy when she saw me and Vendela talking about it. Whatever, I'm still probably going to ask Marcus, I just don't know when... A while after that Michelle, Kara, Caldballs, Mitch, and I were thinking of when we could go paintballing; we decided on this Saturday but when I aske my mom she said I couldn't go. I am going to be so upset if I can't hang out with my friends after a week of family time, I might die. And I am not being dramatic.

Desperate

I can't stop crying, I keep thinking about how I never got to say goodbye. It's not fair, I should be close to my family. I'm completely alone here, I don't even have a best friend. No one knows me, the real me anyway; I don't even think I know myself. I can't believe I have spent my entire life in increments of two years, not long enough to make real friends, not long enough to have a boyfriend, I've never even had a home. Everything is changing, we might be moving, my grandfather just died, the amount of drama I am being forced to jump head first into tomorrow at school; I just want at least one thing in my life to stay constant...

The Funeral

I don't know why it has taken me this long to write about my grandfathers' funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to remember last Friday. I don't know what I was expecting, but going to the church that my grandfather was baptized in, where he grew up; made his loss that much more real to me.

I remember waking up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in all black, numb to the Scottish cold; and driving twenty minutes to my Grandmothers' house and seeing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.We shuffled into black limousines and drove to the church. Ten minutes after the service had started I finally noticed the coffin, a few seconds later I remembered that my grandfather was in there. I have never cried so hard in my life, maybe it was the realization that he was but a lifeless corpse, that his life came down to an hour and a half service with a room full of about fifty-five people; or the realization that he would never be a phone call away, that i would never hear another corny joke, or that i would never again feel his frail arms wrap around me desperately trying to remember all the moments we shared together...

When the service came to a close we returned to the black cars and went to the crematory, after a fifteen minute speech the minister had previously prepared, the red curtains closed, forever taking my grandfather. His body turned to ash, ready for us to scatter next summer. After the funeral and cremation we all went to a pub called "The Back Yard" ... I don't think the events that took place there were important, so it's not even worth writing down. All I know is that I have never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have absolutely no one to talk to, all I have is him.

On A Personal Note

Ok so here's the story....

About a week and a half ago I told my friend Katie that I was going to ask Marcus to the Turnabout Dance in the second week of February, I was mostly going to ask him because he is taller than me (and that NEVER happens) because I wanted to wear cute heels. Anyway, Katie then told me that Marcus and her discussed Turnabout and he agreed to go with her as friends, so I, of course, never asked him because I'm not into backstabbing. I never gave it a second thought until last night when he sent me a text ... I might as well just right down the conversation because it wasn't very long and I doubt I could explain it any better.

Marcus - What did Katie tell you?

Nicole - ???

Marcus - I heard she talked to you about turnabout?

Nicole - Oh ya ... So?

Marcus - She didn't say anything mean did she because that pissed me off that she talked to you about not asking me.

Nicole - Don't be I don't get into those stupid arguments.

Marcus - What did she say?

Nicole - Well I'm like I might ask him (as friends) lol, then shes like oh I already did and he said he's go with me so I'm just like OK whatever...

Marcus - I never said yes to her and she never asked me. She's a liar and don't say anything but I would rather have gone with you over her or anyone who asked me.

Nicole - Awwwww, I love you!

Marcus - I love you too Nicole!

Nicole - So wait. How did you even find out?

Marcus - Zane.

Nicole - How did Zane find out? OMG I'm so confused! So wait... Are you going with Katie???

And then he never replied back and I'm still confused. I guess the only reason why I'm mad at Katie is because she lied to my face, and I don't like to associate with people like that.

Denial

I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I still don't feel like he's gone, but I'm sure it will sink in that I will never hug my grandfather again by tomorrow. That is the day of the funeral after all. I'm expecting to cry ... a lot, and to wish I saw him one last time, and hope that we will meet in another lifetime.

Yesterday most of my immediate family gathered at my grandmother's house to meet the minister and to discuss the plans for Ol' Dans' funeral. The family members who attended were Grandma, Mum, Dad, Young Danny, Sam, Connor, Uncle Allen, Uncle Danny, Aunty Mary, and Jim. Mark, Ross, and Aunty Mary didn't come because who knows why. My grandmother cried of course, but I was there to console her, i thought it was odd that I was the only one doing so.

We completely sorted out the funeral, although that doesn't make dealing with the day any easier. I've never been to a funeral before, so I don't really know what to expect, the most important thing is that my family is here, and although their is already a massive amount of drama, I don't think I would make my family any different...

Airport

Sitting in a squeaky airport chair in absolute silence is by far the last way I was planning to spend my Monday morning. I had to wake up at three twenty in the morning because the car was coming to pick my mother, brother, and I at four in the morning (because my dad left for Scotland last night) Due to the fact that my mother is frantic and my brother is absolutely useless, it was basically my responsibility to check in, get our bags checked, and verify all of our passports. I don't really mind though, after all I have been navigating airports and memorizing departure times and terminal numbers since before I could walk. I'm glad I can help my mother because I think the loss of my grandfather is taking its toll on her, and even though Ol' Dan was my father's father, my mother and him were very close. And even if she refuses to show it for my brother and I's sake, I can see she is mourning his loss very harshly.

My younger brother is, of course, oblivious to anything around him. He's locked away in his own little world that his iPod gladly creates. He nearly had a melt down due to the fact that he learned we would be flying to Scotland Economy, as opposed to the usual Business class we always fly. I doubt my mother was too happy about this act as well but again, she refused to show it. I've never cared how we fly, of course the luxuries of Business Class are enjoyable, but I feel that the destination is what is important, especially on this trip. I simply reminded Connor that this trip was never planned and that he should be thankful we even got these tickets, for the weather in Scotland made it almost impossible.

I said my good-byes last night. I must have gotten a thousand "I'm sorrys" a million "send my condolences" and far too many "I'll miss yous" to keep track of. I appreciate their thoughts, but nothing they can say can make it any easier to bare. All I could have done is say thank you and change the subject as fast as possible. To make matters worse I awoke to find I received my monthly gift this morning. Imagine traveling for twenty one hours with your period. To say the least, I am not happy.

Ol' Dan

Dear Grandpa,

What am I going to do without you...?