Crap

Today was a horrible day. Katie (a.k.a. the mega bitch) found out about me asking Marcus to Turnabout and I almost got shanked! It was so scary (because Katie is a total man and all...) But it was okay because absolutely everyone was on my side. Ya it's pretty official that no one wants Katie to be on our Turnabout group, the only bad thing is Katie has a devious way of finding out everyone's business so we aren't exactly sure how we're going to keep this plan a secret. Anyway we'll figure everything out.

Ego Boost

Last night my dad came home from being in Madagascar or Africa for the past week. He was still very sad about my grandfather so we all had to put on our smiles for him. I don't know if it phases my little brother, but my dads' constant absence is really starting to get to me. I think my dad knows how I feel because he is always asking me how he can be a better father, I know he tries the best he can to always be there for us; but sometimes I wish he was here if I needed to talk or I had a question on my homework. And I know that the only reason he travels is to give Connor and I a better life than he had, but it still sucks.

Anyway, I was on the morning bus as usual when My friend Max Hilliard was talking about his friend Arthur and Turnabout. Max says that both he and Arthur agree that I have gotten a lot hotter over Winter Break; this obviously brightened my day. And I'm not being conceded but when two guys agree that your appearance has improved drastically, it does brighten your mood a little. Then later I was talking to my friend Landon and explaining what happened on the bus this morning and he completely agreed, and then he said that more than a few of the other guys in Freshman year agree. Yet another massive boost to my ego. Then at lunch I was talking to Marcus and we were talking about Turnabout and Katie (and I found the perfect way to ask him, I personalized M&M's to say 'Turnabout?' in blue and "-Nicole" in silver, only because he really likes candy) and then I'm like, would you want to go with Katie? He answered so fast it was hilarious. By the way he answered with a Hell no I want to go with you. And yet another ego boost. It was epic.

Procrastination

01.22.10

Nothing very exciting happened at school today, but after school I hung out with Lily, Kara, Michelle, and all those other people because we were all sleeping over at Lily's house, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Since Amanda, Vendy, Suzie, and Michelle had to leave for basketball; Lily, Kara, Maddy, and I were just hanging out with the boys who had a basketball game later on. Alex and I put on a bet to see who was the better hugger, Max Wilkinson and Grant Wright were the testers and the vote was unanimous that I was the better hugger. Alex was not too happy. I don't remember over what, but Landon and I got into a fight, but we cuddled and made up about ten minutes later. A little while later we got bored so Kara and I decided that Grant would look like Pete Wentz with mascara on, so we of course had to put it on him. It wasn't like we forced it on him, although he pretended to struggle...

At about three thirty Lily's mom came and took Maddy, Kara, lily, and I to In n Out Burger; we were all high on sugar when we saw two guys, which of course me and Kara decided to hit on them. After they left we decided to run to Target where we tried on saucy lingerie and made jokes about them being our "after party wear" We then made our way over to the drinks were we bought two different martini flavors (peach and mandarin) They weren't really alcoholic, we added Sprite to them. Anyway! After we were done at Target we went back to the school where we watched the JV Boys Basketball game (which they lost), the Freshman Girls Basketball game (which they won), and the Freshman Boys Basketball game (which they won) during this time I was hanging out with Caldballs, Mac Wilkinson, Landon, and Grant. And of course Lily, Kara, and Maddy. A little while later Marcus' little brother, Mac and little sister, Mazy came and sat with us because Marcus was playing on the JV team. Kara introduced me as "Nicole, the girl who is asking your brother to Turnabout" she then asked him if I was pretty and he shyly nodded, it was so cute. Nothing else major happened at the game so I'm just going to skip ahead to the good part.

When we finally got to Lily's house (which is amazing by the way!) we all got settled in her guest house and started doing what we usually do. Dancing, eating, creating random drinks out of whatever we could find in the fridge. After we crashed a little Lily and I started talking about guys. Lily is apparently in love with Caldballs, so she very kindly put the responsibility of hooking them up in my shoulders. I'm happy to do it, everyone knows how I love to help people. At about two thirty in the morning I crashed, I don't know if the other girls fell asleep later or at the same time as me. But something terrible happened when I woke up the next morning... I had pink eye and I did for the next two days. It was horrible.

Back to School

First day back at school after a week of sudden disappearance sounds easy enough, but when you have to explain the sudden death of your grandfather a hundred or so times, the day seems to drag on. I simply want to know why, after you elaborate on the funeral, people have this incredible need to ask "So was Scotland fun?" Of course Scotland wasn't fun you idiots! So as the day wore on I got about a thousand hugs, "I missed you's" and questions about the trip. By lunch everything was normal again (well as normal as I could possibly get) Vendela talked to Marcus about turnabout and he said he would go with me, well he said it more enthusiastically than that. I think Katie overheard Vendela and Marcus' conversation because she didn't look very happy when she saw me and Vendela talking about it. Whatever, I'm still probably going to ask Marcus, I just don't know when... A while after that Michelle, Kara, Caldballs, Mitch, and I were thinking of when we could go paintballing; we decided on this Saturday but when I aske my mom she said I couldn't go. I am going to be so upset if I can't hang out with my friends after a week of family time, I might die. And I am not being dramatic.

Desperate

I can't stop crying, I keep thinking about how I never got to say goodbye. It's not fair, I should be close to my family. I'm completely alone here, I don't even have a best friend. No one knows me, the real me anyway; I don't even think I know myself. I can't believe I have spent my entire life in increments of two years, not long enough to make real friends, not long enough to have a boyfriend, I've never even had a home. Everything is changing, we might be moving, my grandfather just died, the amount of drama I am being forced to jump head first into tomorrow at school; I just want at least one thing in my life to stay constant...

The Funeral

I don't know why it has taken me this long to write about my grandfathers' funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to remember last Friday. I don't know what I was expecting, but going to the church that my grandfather was baptized in, where he grew up; made his loss that much more real to me.

I remember waking up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in all black, numb to the Scottish cold; and driving twenty minutes to my Grandmothers' house and seeing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.We shuffled into black limousines and drove to the church. Ten minutes after the service had started I finally noticed the coffin, a few seconds later I remembered that my grandfather was in there. I have never cried so hard in my life, maybe it was the realization that he was but a lifeless corpse, that his life came down to an hour and a half service with a room full of about fifty-five people; or the realization that he would never be a phone call away, that i would never hear another corny joke, or that i would never again feel his frail arms wrap around me desperately trying to remember all the moments we shared together...

When the service came to a close we returned to the black cars and went to the crematory, after a fifteen minute speech the minister had previously prepared, the red curtains closed, forever taking my grandfather. His body turned to ash, ready for us to scatter next summer. After the funeral and cremation we all went to a pub called "The Back Yard" ... I don't think the events that took place there were important, so it's not even worth writing down. All I know is that I have never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have absolutely no one to talk to, all I have is him.

On A Personal Note

Ok so here's the story....

About a week and a half ago I told my friend Katie that I was going to ask Marcus to the Turnabout Dance in the second week of February, I was mostly going to ask him because he is taller than me (and that NEVER happens) because I wanted to wear cute heels. Anyway, Katie then told me that Marcus and her discussed Turnabout and he agreed to go with her as friends, so I, of course, never asked him because I'm not into backstabbing. I never gave it a second thought until last night when he sent me a text ... I might as well just right down the conversation because it wasn't very long and I doubt I could explain it any better.

Marcus - What did Katie tell you?

Nicole - ???

Marcus - I heard she talked to you about turnabout?

Nicole - Oh ya ... So?

Marcus - She didn't say anything mean did she because that pissed me off that she talked to you about not asking me.

Nicole - Don't be I don't get into those stupid arguments.

Marcus - What did she say?

Nicole - Well I'm like I might ask him (as friends) lol, then shes like oh I already did and he said he's go with me so I'm just like OK whatever...

Marcus - I never said yes to her and she never asked me. She's a liar and don't say anything but I would rather have gone with you over her or anyone who asked me.

Nicole - Awwwww, I love you!

Marcus - I love you too Nicole!

Nicole - So wait. How did you even find out?

Marcus - Zane.

Nicole - How did Zane find out? OMG I'm so confused! So wait... Are you going with Katie???

And then he never replied back and I'm still confused. I guess the only reason why I'm mad at Katie is because she lied to my face, and I don't like to associate with people like that.