Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Crap
Today was a horrible day. Katie (a.k.a. the mega bitch) found out about me asking Marcus to Turnabout and I almost got shanked! It was so scary (because Katie is a total man and all...) But it was okay because absolutely everyone was on my side. Ya it's pretty official that no one wants Katie to be on our Turnabout group, the only bad thing is Katie has a devious way of finding out everyone's business so we aren't exactly sure how we're going to keep this plan a secret. Anyway we'll figure everything out.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Ego Boost
Last night my dad came home from being in Madagascar or Africa for the past week. He was still very sad about my grandfather so we all had to put on our smiles for him. I don't know if it phases my little brother, but my dads' constant absence is really starting to get to me. I think my dad knows how I feel because he is always asking me how he can be a better father, I know he tries the best he can to always be there for us; but sometimes I wish he was here if I needed to talk or I had a question on my homework. And I know that the only reason he travels is to give Connor and I a better life than he had, but it still sucks.
Anyway, I was on the morning bus as usual when My friend Max Hilliard was talking about his friend Arthur and Turnabout. Max says that both he and Arthur agree that I have gotten a lot hotter over Winter Break; this obviously brightened my day. And I'm not being conceded but when two guys agree that your appearance has improved drastically, it does brighten your mood a little. Then later I was talking to my friend Landon and explaining what happened on the bus this morning and he completely agreed, and then he said that more than a few of the other guys in Freshman year agree. Yet another massive boost to my ego. Then at lunch I was talking to Marcus and we were talking about Turnabout and Katie (and I found the perfect way to ask him, I personalized M&M's to say 'Turnabout?' in blue and "-Nicole" in silver, only because he really likes candy) and then I'm like, would you want to go with Katie? He answered so fast it was hilarious. By the way he answered with a Hell no I want to go with you. And yet another ego boost. It was epic.
Procrastination
01.22.10
Nothing very exciting happened at school today, but after school I hung out with Lily, Kara, Michelle, and all those other people because we were all sleeping over at Lily's house, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Since Amanda, Vendy, Suzie, and Michelle had to leave for basketball; Lily, Kara, Maddy, and I were just hanging out with the boys who had a basketball game later on. Alex and I put on a bet to see who was the better hugger, Max Wilkinson and Grant Wright were the testers and the vote was unanimous that I was the better hugger. Alex was not too happy. I don't remember over what, but Landon and I got into a fight, but we cuddled and made up about ten minutes later. A little while later we got bored so Kara and I decided that Grant would look like Pete Wentz with mascara on, so we of course had to put it on him. It wasn't like we forced it on him, although he pretended to struggle...
At about three thirty Lily's mom came and took Maddy, Kara, lily, and I to In n Out Burger; we were all high on sugar when we saw two guys, which of course me and Kara decided to hit on them. After they left we decided to run to Target where we tried on saucy lingerie and made jokes about them being our "after party wear" We then made our way over to the drinks were we bought two different martini flavors (peach and mandarin) They weren't really alcoholic, we added Sprite to them. Anyway! After we were done at Target we went back to the school where we watched the JV Boys Basketball game (which they lost), the Freshman Girls Basketball game (which they won), and the Freshman Boys Basketball game (which they won) during this time I was hanging out with Caldballs, Mac Wilkinson, Landon, and Grant. And of course Lily, Kara, and Maddy. A little while later Marcus' little brother, Mac and little sister, Mazy came and sat with us because Marcus was playing on the JV team. Kara introduced me as "Nicole, the girl who is asking your brother to Turnabout" she then asked him if I was pretty and he shyly nodded, it was so cute. Nothing else major happened at the game so I'm just going to skip ahead to the good part.
When we finally got to Lily's house (which is amazing by the way!) we all got settled in her guest house and started doing what we usually do. Dancing, eating, creating random drinks out of whatever we could find in the fridge. After we crashed a little Lily and I started talking about guys. Lily is apparently in love with Caldballs, so she very kindly put the responsibility of hooking them up in my shoulders. I'm happy to do it, everyone knows how I love to help people. At about two thirty in the morning I crashed, I don't know if the other girls fell asleep later or at the same time as me. But something terrible happened when I woke up the next morning... I had pink eye and I did for the next two days. It was horrible.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Back to School
First day back at school after a week of sudden disappearance sounds easy enough, but when you have to explain the sudden death of your grandfather a hundred or so times, the day seems to drag on. I simply want to know why, after you elaborate on the funeral, people have this incredible need to ask "So was Scotland fun?" Of course Scotland wasn't fun you idiots! So as the day wore on I got about a thousand hugs, "I missed you's" and questions about the trip. By lunch everything was normal again (well as normal as I could possibly get) Vendela talked to Marcus about turnabout and he said he would go with me, well he said it more enthusiastically than that. I think Katie overheard Vendela and Marcus' conversation because she didn't look very happy when she saw me and Vendela talking about it. Whatever, I'm still probably going to ask Marcus, I just don't know when... A while after that Michelle, Kara, Caldballs, Mitch, and I were thinking of when we could go paintballing; we decided on this Saturday but when I aske my mom she said I couldn't go. I am going to be so upset if I can't hang out with my friends after a week of family time, I might die. And I am not being dramatic.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Desperate
I can't stop crying, I keep thinking about how I never got to say goodbye. It's not fair, I should be close to my family. I'm completely alone here, I don't even have a best friend. No one knows me, the real me anyway; I don't even think I know myself. I can't believe I have spent my entire life in increments of two years, not long enough to make real friends, not long enough to have a boyfriend, I've never even had a home. Everything is changing, we might be moving, my grandfather just died, the amount of drama I am being forced to jump head first into tomorrow at school; I just want at least one thing in my life to stay constant...
The Funeral
I don't know why it has taken me this long to write about my grandfathers' funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to remember last Friday. I don't know what I was expecting, but going to the church that my grandfather was baptized in, where he grew up; made his loss that much more real to me.
I remember waking up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in all black, numb to the Scottish cold; and driving twenty minutes to my Grandmothers' house and seeing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.We shuffled into black limousines and drove to the church. Ten minutes after the service had started I finally noticed the coffin, a few seconds later I remembered that my grandfather was in there. I have never cried so hard in my life, maybe it was the realization that he was but a lifeless corpse, that his life came down to an hour and a half service with a room full of about fifty-five people; or the realization that he would never be a phone call away, that i would never hear another corny joke, or that i would never again feel his frail arms wrap around me desperately trying to remember all the moments we shared together...
When the service came to a close we returned to the black cars and went to the crematory, after a fifteen minute speech the minister had previously prepared, the red curtains closed, forever taking my grandfather. His body turned to ash, ready for us to scatter next summer. After the funeral and cremation we all went to a pub called "The Back Yard" ... I don't think the events that took place there were important, so it's not even worth writing down. All I know is that I have never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have absolutely no one to talk to, all I have is him.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
On A Personal Note
Ok so here's the story....
About a week and a half ago I told my friend Katie that I was going to ask Marcus to the Turnabout Dance in the second week of February, I was mostly going to ask him because he is taller than me (and that NEVER happens) because I wanted to wear cute heels. Anyway, Katie then told me that Marcus and her discussed Turnabout and he agreed to go with her as friends, so I, of course, never asked him because I'm not into backstabbing. I never gave it a second thought until last night when he sent me a text ... I might as well just right down the conversation because it wasn't very long and I doubt I could explain it any better.
Marcus - What did Katie tell you?
Nicole - ???
Marcus - I heard she talked to you about turnabout?
Nicole - Oh ya ... So?
Marcus - She didn't say anything mean did she because that pissed me off that she talked to you about not asking me.
Nicole - Don't be I don't get into those stupid arguments.
Marcus - What did she say?
Nicole - Well I'm like I might ask him (as friends) lol, then shes like oh I already did and he said he's go with me so I'm just like OK whatever...
Marcus - I never said yes to her and she never asked me. She's a liar and don't say anything but I would rather have gone with you over her or anyone who asked me.
Nicole - Awwwww, I love you!
Marcus - I love you too Nicole!
Nicole - So wait. How did you even find out?
Marcus - Zane.
Nicole - How did Zane find out? OMG I'm so confused! So wait... Are you going with Katie???
And then he never replied back and I'm still confused. I guess the only reason why I'm mad at Katie is because she lied to my face, and I don't like to associate with people like that.
Denial
I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I still don't feel like he's gone, but I'm sure it will sink in that I will never hug my grandfather again by tomorrow. That is the day of the funeral after all. I'm expecting to cry ... a lot, and to wish I saw him one last time, and hope that we will meet in another lifetime.
Yesterday most of my immediate family gathered at my grandmother's house to meet the minister and to discuss the plans for Ol' Dans' funeral. The family members who attended were Grandma, Mum, Dad, Young Danny, Sam, Connor, Uncle Allen, Uncle Danny, Aunty Mary, and Jim. Mark, Ross, and Aunty Mary didn't come because who knows why. My grandmother cried of course, but I was there to console her, i thought it was odd that I was the only one doing so.
We completely sorted out the funeral, although that doesn't make dealing with the day any easier. I've never been to a funeral before, so I don't really know what to expect, the most important thing is that my family is here, and although their is already a massive amount of drama, I don't think I would make my family any different...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Airport
Sitting in a squeaky airport chair in absolute silence is by far the last way I was planning to spend my Monday morning. I had to wake up at three twenty in the morning because the car was coming to pick my mother, brother, and I at four in the morning (because my dad left for Scotland last night) Due to the fact that my mother is frantic and my brother is absolutely useless, it was basically my responsibility to check in, get our bags checked, and verify all of our passports. I don't really mind though, after all I have been navigating airports and memorizing departure times and terminal numbers since before I could walk. I'm glad I can help my mother because I think the loss of my grandfather is taking its toll on her, and even though Ol' Dan was my father's father, my mother and him were very close. And even if she refuses to show it for my brother and I's sake, I can see she is mourning his loss very harshly.
My younger brother is, of course, oblivious to anything around him. He's locked away in his own little world that his iPod gladly creates. He nearly had a melt down due to the fact that he learned we would be flying to Scotland Economy, as opposed to the usual Business class we always fly. I doubt my mother was too happy about this act as well but again, she refused to show it. I've never cared how we fly, of course the luxuries of Business Class are enjoyable, but I feel that the destination is what is important, especially on this trip. I simply reminded Connor that this trip was never planned and that he should be thankful we even got these tickets, for the weather in Scotland made it almost impossible.
I said my good-byes last night. I must have gotten a thousand "I'm sorrys" a million "send my condolences" and far too many "I'll miss yous" to keep track of. I appreciate their thoughts, but nothing they can say can make it any easier to bare. All I could have done is say thank you and change the subject as fast as possible. To make matters worse I awoke to find I received my monthly gift this morning. Imagine traveling for twenty one hours with your period. To say the least, I am not happy.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Bad News
Yesterday at about one thirty in the afternoon my Uncle Allen called my family and I from Scotland telling us that my grandfather has passed away. I suppose it's the way things are and always will be, but we all thought that Ol' Dan would live forever. I always pictured him sitting in the front row at my wedding, holding my children, telling them corny jokes and teaching them everything bout World War II, and the Rangers.
I think the things about him I will remember the most are his harmonica and his farm hat. There is no one in the world like him and the family is going to be a lot quieter with him gone, and I hate that. My only regret was that I couldn't say goodbye, the best I could have done was call him and say "I love you" My Uncle Allen said he smiled, so somewhere past the Alzheimer's that took his memories of his family, he must have remembered me. Everyone said that Connor and I were his favorite grandchildren, probably because of our California accents and bleach blonde hair. I just wish I was around more, and even though the bond between my grandfather and I was so strong, I can't help but feel guilty of my absence.
When I saw him this summer while I was on my trip to Scotland by myself I lay in his bed with him as we watched the Rangers defeat the Celtics. That's the last time I saw him, I'll always remember the image of him crying as I walked in the front door the first time that summer, that and the look on his face when I got on the plain to go back to California. Somehow I think he knew that that would be the last time I saw him.
I saw my father cry for the first time yesterday, My mother was our rock, but I don't think it truly phased Connor, for he showed no true sign of remorse. But I don't blame him, the last time he saw Ol' Dan was two years ago. Connor was always closer to my Grandmother. But I know Connor will miss Grandpa. The first song I heard after he passes away was "Dream On" by Aerosmith. I don't think my father and I will ever forget that song.
We're getting on a plain for Scotland at four in the morning tomorrow, and my grandfathers' funeral is on Thursday. I'm expecting this week to be that hardest of my life, I'm only glad that I get to spent it in the company of my family, after all, that's how Ol' Dan would have wanted his life to be celebrated...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Drama, Drama, Drama
Today was a very dramatic day. The day started off pretty normal, but everything started to fall apart around lunch. To start off, J.J. told me that while she was in English she was talking to some of the sophomore guys (including Erik Dugoni, which is only important because Maddy likes him) and they said that the three hottest freshman girls are me, Suzie, and Kara. This is really cool but last night Maddy almost had a mental breakdown because she thought that Erik didn't think she was hot. So the problem her is if Maddy ever finds out that Erik said that I'm so screwed.
Anyway at afternoon Flex Vivian broke up with Grant (which was probably my fault because she was always complaining about no being single so I told her to dump his ass as a joke but I guess she took it seriously) Anyway as if one relationship problem wasn't enough, Brenda is thinking of breaking up with Landon. Only because Alex J. (who we all pretty much hate now) was being such a slut and throwing herself all over Landon and practically forcing him to ditch Brenda, even though Landon was being a jerk it was mostly her fault. So I was talking to Brenda a little earlier and I persuaded her not to break up with him (I've done enough damage for one day when it comes to romance) And I assured her that on the off chance Landon does go for Alex, he's in no way good enough for her. I also told her that boys come and go but your girls are forever, except for Alex J. of course.
When I got home and completed all of my homework I decided that I was going to ask Marcus to Turnabout. I was feeling very confident until I started texting Kati, who said she was going to ask him. It's not like they like each other or anything, there just good friends. It just kind of sucks because she likes this other guy, Alex Wild, and she refuses to ask him because he's a sophomore. Even though they are practically dating anyway. Oh well I'm sure we'll freak at the dance and that's all I really want anyway. And this way I get to freak on any guy I want to without feeling guilty (even though he's the only guy I want to dance with)
Worried
Today I woke up to my parents fighting about how my mom talked to me yesterday morning. I don't really care because I know she doesn't mean it, or do it on purpose. My dad told my mom that she was wrong for treating me like that, but she told me that she's just lonely, and unhappy with her life here. I guess that's why she's pushing so hard for us to move. She thinks that once she starts her new job and when we move to the new house with the city nearby and more importantly, a town, nearby, she'll be happy and stop taking out her misery on my dad and I. I'm just glad that Connor doesn't know anything about this, because I honestly don't think he can handle all of this stress. Because after all, my dad and I are used to it...
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
First Day Blues
Well it's my first day back at Justin-Siena High School. I don't know why I'm surprised but I have about two hours of homework tonight, and that's only in World History and Biology. So of course I'm excited for the rest of the Semester ... not. I have a Religion project, a Biology project, and an Ed Skills assignment. Could somebody please just kill me?
Today was the first day of Ed Skills and it was like the first day all over again, thank god that my girls are in that class with me. Sierra, Michelle, Kara, and Cara. I don't know what I would do without them. The teacher wanted to meet the class so she gave us sticky notes and made us answer the statements "I learned...", "I wish I knew...", "I didn't know...". Or something like that. Anyway, me and Kara answered each question with something to do with falling in love with Austin Connelly (which would never happen) The teacher was thoroughly confused and it was perfect because it was anonymous so there was no way we could get into any trouble. The entire experience was just beautiful.
Anyway when I got home I immediately went onto skype and me and my girls started talking about turnabout. I decided that I might ask Marcus, not because I like him, but because he's really cool and he's tall enough so that I could wear heals. Anyway when I got home I realized that I like Marcus. Crap. But he's so sweet, when I was walking to Biology he comes up to me and links his arm with mine and he started asking me about my break. Then he said if he dosn't sit next to me (because his desk was next to mine all last semester) he's going to be really sad, and when our desks were apart he comes up to me and he was like "I'm going to kill Mr. Landry." And he kept whispering funny jokes making fun of Mr. Landry and his creepy looks, I was hysterical. And during break I was skyping him and he's like, I know i give you a lot of shit, but you're one of my favorite girls. And I thought that was really sweet, and we were friends before but we were never really that close. I don't know I think this crush will pass in a few days but as for Turnabout, I don't know if I'm going to ask him or not...
Monday, January 4, 2010
The End
I am very sad to say that Winter Break is officially over as of tomorrow morning at eight o clock, when the bell will ring and we must shuffle along to our first class. The second quarter will begin and there will be six long months of school until the sweet relief of Summer vacation. Really nothing exciting is happening this week, except we get our grades tomorrow and I don't think my 3.71 grade point average is going to impress my parents. The Turnabout dance is in about a month and it may seem like I have plenty of time to figure out a date, but once you see the freshman guys at my school you'll realize that it is totally acceptable for me to procrastinate me asking a guy to a stupid Turnabout dance. I'm not at all excited for school tomorrow but I suppose I should get an early night tonight so I don't look like total crap tomorrow.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Blast From The Past
Well, today I woke up at noon because I was skyping with Sammy and Susannah all night. I don't even know what we talk about anymore, I suppose there is an infinite amount of conversation starters programmed into out brains; it's the only way to explain how we never seem to know anyone well enough. Anyway, my parents went out to lunch and they didn't get back until five in the afternoon. So obviously I missed the four o clock Girl's JV Basketball game that Michelle was playing in, I'm a little sad because this would have been the first time I saw Susannah and Hannah since the beginning of Winter Break. After a little while I decided to go on Facebook and I discovered that my "Friend of the Day' is Zach Brencsons (my ex-boyfriend from seventh grade when I still lived in Singapore) And then my old friend Brian Blume was like, oh that's perfect because it's Zach's birthday; so of course I wished him a happy birthday on his profile and then I was catching up with both of them. It's weird how a single conversation can make u realize how much you miss your old life. Talking to them made me remember all the soda fights, embarrassing moments, inside jokes, school fairs, dancing in the rain, crushes, break ups, make ups, broken hearts, school dances, random parties, and the many laughs I have shared with my friends in Singapore. Sometimes I wish I never left, but I guess that's what makes us stronger. And it's not like I was the only one, both Brian and Zach live in the U.S.A. now, Zach in New Jersey and Brian in Louisiana, and I live in California obviously. Zach and I have settles in pretty well, but Brian isn't fitting in so well. I don't blame him, moving is so hard. Diving into a place where you don't know a single person, one good thing about it is that you can be whoever you want to be. I suppose that's why I don't' know who I am yet ... I've been way too many different people. But that's OK, I've got plenty of time to figure it out.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010!
2010 baby!!! You better hope it's going to be better than 2009. And to all the souls of 09 ... You will be missed!
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