I'm in love!

My new found love affair began with my intense boredom caused by being stranded in my empty home. I began by shopping for clothes and I came across a new store. Love Culture is without a doubt my new favorite fashion line. It's great for teenagers because it follows new trends without being ridiculously overpriced. And for once in my life the clothes actually fit me. Finally my disgustingly long legs will be fully covered by a pair of unaltered denim.

http://www.loveculture.com/Item/ItemList.aspx?Category=CLOTHES

Because of my overactive imagination, my mind quickly wandered to the hundreds of things i would change about my aqua room. First, the color. I know I could never live with simply white walls,and then the idea of littering my soon to be bare walls with countless photographs. Although I am proud of one or two of my pictures from Paris, they aren't worthy of a frame and the eyes of the many friends who enter my room. So again, I decided to turn to the internet. I don't know how on earth I found her, but I discovered a blog, which led me to a web sight. Alicia Bock Photography, thank you for making my life!

http://www.aliciabock.com/index2.php#/home/

Stop! It's summer time ~

April Fool's!!!

Today we had a swim meet against Terra Linda. I swam a 200 medley relay, a 200 freestyle, a 50 freestyle, a 200 freestyle relay, and a 100 breaststroke.

Okay so the drama begins ... now.

So I swam in a lot of races today, and Ilija was being really nice and wishing me luck before every race and congratulating me on a good swim (even if I sucked) I was talking to Maddy before a race and he said good luck to me and not her, but I thought he was kidding. After I swam the 100 breaststroke, I was so sad because I did terrible on that race, and he made me feel better. Suzie, Kara, Maddy, and Hannah pulled me over and told me that he liked me. I told them they were stupid, because I could tell by Maddy's face that she wasn't very happy. So the meet ended and Ilija's grandparents were giving Leiska, Mary Bridget, and I a ride home. Two of us had to double buckle because there were only three seats for the four of us. Ilija got in first and Leiska was about to get in, but she said no, Nicole your skinnier. So I double buckled with Ilija, Leiska sat next to me and then Mary Bridget squeezed in. I was practically sitting on his lap, Leiska wouldn't stop giggling. When we got to my house I said goodbye. A little while later Leiska texted me and asked what I thought of Ilija, obviously I was thoroughly confused and she said that he was interested in me, and that Maddy didn't have a chance with him because he doesn't even like being in her presence. I don't know why, but I'm scared... For a lot of reasons, I'm scared that Maddy will hate me, that Joey will hate me (because I told him I don't want a boyfriend in High School) or that I'm not really what Ilija wants. I guess I'll never find out what will happen if I don't go for it.

Rolling Stone Application

To Whom It May Concern:

I am not your average writer. I don’t have any college degrees to symbolize my determination, or any awards to show my intelligence, and I doubt anyone would recognize me in a crowd. My name is Nicole Love, I am currently a freshman at Justin-Siena High School in Napa, California; and at fourteen, my goals are far different from those of my peers. This is not surprising, however, for I am different from them in almost every way. Perhaps this is because of my constant relocation, throughout my life I have lived in Belgium, Singapore, and numerous places in California, all the while visiting countless other countries. This, combined with my pure Scottish heritage, has made me extremely diverse and tolerant of every culture and religion I come into contact with. I think my unique point of view will be a valuable asset to Rolling Stone magazine.

I wish I could say I am a young prodigy, but in truth, the only extraordinary thing about me is my passion. My first memory was watching my parents read the paper together; now my father is constantly traveling and my mother is caught up with my younger brother. The only time we come together as a family, it seems, is when we are discussing world events. Throughout my life, when I pictured my future, the only thing I saw myself doing was being a journalist. Not only do I want to write about the events that affect our society, but also the events that influence our generation; this is why I feel Rolling Stone is ideal for my perspective.

Of course I understand that passion and a unique outlook is not enough to get me far in life. I have always been extremely driven and I have been told I am very intelligent. I have recently been accepted into my high school’s advanced placement classes in both World History and English, and when I lived in Singapore I participated in an exclusive writing course sponsored by an acclaimed author. I have been a member of many school newspapers and some of my stories have been published in my town’s local newspaper, The Sonoma Index Tribune.

I am aware that my age is something to consider, but I have never looked at it as a negative factor. I am extremely determined and stubborn, if someone tells me I can’t do something, I will only try that much harder. If it was too much to think I would be accepted into this internship, then at least do me this favor; remember my name because I plan to apply once more when I am older. You may ask me why I would even bother applying at fourteen, but I expect to accomplish great things in my life, and I see nothing wrong with getting a head start. I do, after all, have one life to live and I don’t want to look back and wonder “What if?” By sending you this e-mail, I don’t think I ever will.

Sincerely,

Nicole Love

Jane Norman

Jane Norman please come to the US!!!

I came across this store when I went to visit my family last winter in Scotland. With trendy new styles and classy yet adorable clothes ranging from shorts to rompers, to day wear to the perfect cocktail dress. Please Jane Norman we need you to set up a store in America. We need your fashions to grace the streets of San Francisco!

The Romper

The romper : The ruffle chambray romper from Wet Seal $22.50

Day Wear...

Steve Madden Tuxxedo Oxfords in black $49.95

Baghaus Emma Estela with Silver Hardware Hobo in yellow $55.95

Forever 21 Jeweled Polo Belt in black $ 8.80

Night Wear...

Forever 21 Kathy Holiday Peep Toe in Purple $20.80

Forever 21 Oversize Lace Clutch $12.80

Steve Madden W-Wow Belt in black $32.00

Throw Me A Liferaft

Have you ever felt like a stranger in your own skin? An outcast in your own home? That's how I feel every day. I'm not exactly sure what moving will bring, if things will get better or stay as they are now. I just know they can't get any worse, I don't belong in this tiny town with only a handful of people to pass the time with. As the year wears on I'm finding myself drawing away from my friends and staying at home more. I guess that's not a bad thing but I want to go to school with people that I would actually like to hang out with after hours. And I don't feel thats the case here anymore. Sammy and I are still not talking and I find myself losing closeness with many other people, so maybe it wasn't him. Maybe it was me, regardless of whose fault it was I feel like I need someone to talk to and with Sammy out of my life I have absolutely no one to relate to. I miss my best friend now more than ever and I can't wait to move. I am apprehensive though, perhaps I am just one of those people who is different everywhere they go. Coming from Belgium, Scotland, California, and Singapore; maybe it is impossible for me to ever settle in one place. I'm trying though and I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I still wish things would change though, maybe the people I am supposedly friends with could treat me like a human being and show even an ounce of compassion. I don't know how much longer I can remain isolated in a sea of people, but I hope someone will throw me a life raft sometime soon because I am sinking pretty quickly...

SI Application Forms

I am applying for Saint Ignatius High School next year and they of course ask for a student application form. Here is the main question they are asking. Please give me your feedback!!!

The question asked you to describe someone who has been important in your life. I chose my personal idol Nelson Mandela. This is my response to the question...

"There are many people in my life that I emulate, but the one person I chose to live my life as I think he would is Nelson Mandela. The first black elected President of South Africa may be an odd idol to have; but ever since my family and I visited Robben Island three years ago, I am constantly thinking about the difficult choices he made. Mandela was put in prison for attempting to better a racially segregated country; when he was finally freed he was not bitter, he was stronger and he used this strength to unite a country. I believe he has touched my life in a way that drastically changed my views on everything I knew; I believe he made me strive for an education in hopes that someday, I may impact this world as he has. Although I have never met Nelson Mandela, I don’t believe that makes him any less personal in my life; he has taught me to forgive but never forget, so that I may grow and learn from all of my hardships. I have also learned to appreciate everything I have, and to give back to those who were not so lucky. I now know that it is not race or religion that separates people, but the fear to become stronger if you unite, for some people think power shared between two cultures is not power at all. The question remains is, how could Mandela be anything less than inspiration?"

JSHS vs. John Swett

This meet I swam a 200 meter med. relay. I swam backstroke, Maddy Long swam breast stroke, Maddie Osgood swam butterfly, and Kara Hart swam free style and we all came in second with a Justin Siena win. The second race I swam in was a 50 meter freestyle sprint and I came in first with yet another Justin Siena win. The third race I competed in was a 200 meter freestyle relay. Maddie Osgood swam first, I swam second, Sara Marin swam third, and Leiska Van Staavern swam fourth and we won that race. Finally the last race I competed in was a 100 meter backstroke sprint and I was so nervous for this event. But I did come in third with Kimmie Kreuzberger coming in first. Obviously Justin Siena won this meet and even though we were all freezing because it was an outdoors swimming pool, I think it was completely worth it.

33.2

Today at swim practice I was forced by my coach to swim a 50 meter race as fast as I could and i swam it in 33.2 seconds!!! Hey, that's not bad for your first year of swim. Anyway that's all I have to report :D

03.08.2010

11:15 am

I am literally shaking with rage. I have just learned that a girl in my class named Alexis posted something on her myspace about me. She called me and a big majority of my friends a c*** and described how we were spreading rumors about her. The worst part isn't the word she chose to call us, which in my opinion is the worst thing you could call someone, but the fact that I defended her against those rumors that she thinks I helped start. I put my flawless reputation on the line for that slut; and I'm not just calling her that. No one respects her, she is a member of the foursome. Another thing that is really bothering me is that she put it on her myspace, I have a facebook and so does everyone else. She's too afraid to put it somewhere we could actually see it, we only found out because someone told us. I don't know what's going through her head. She's just an immature little girl who wants the entire world to feel sorry for her but what she fails to realize is that nobody cares.

1:37 pm

This is quickly developing into the worst day ever. Lunch ended a while ago but I am still fighting back the tears in my eyes. I can honestly say I am indifferent to the incident earlier. I don't care about Alexis or the foursome. What really sucks is that my so called "best friend" walks up to me and calls me the same thing as a joke. I was just about crying and he's laughing in my face. This isn't the first time he has completely disregarded my feeling so I decided to confront him about how I felt. I told him how much he has changed and how I liked him because he wasn't the same as every other stupid guy; he just laughed it off and said I was stupid. I can't even express how hurt I am. I told him everything and he knows how I take things people say about me to heart and he makes fun of me just because people were watching. I can't tell you what lays in the future but I doubt Sammy and I will restore our friendship, the worst thing is I have no intention of trying to...

Hello Stranger

Well my mom's best friend Eloise (a.k.a. my best friends mom) from Singapore is visiting for a few days, which is making me miss Meaghan (my best friend if you didn't make the connection) that much more. It sucks when the only person you can talk to is half way across the planet. But I shouldn't complain, I have amazing friends. I wish I could talk about an exciting or overly dramatic day, but today was relatively calm. It was a nice change. Tomorrow there is a swim meet against Branson and Tam. I really hope we win this one...

Not Really A Walk In The Park

Today was a hard day. I'm not even sure why though it was just one of those days. This morning my hormones where going insane, and because I'm anemic, I was exhausted and moody all day. I felt bad though, because of my usual bubbly self, no one knew how to handle me being quiet; i did snap at a few people but I apologized and no one gave me a hard time about it thankfully.

Another reason it wasn't really a good day was because of the sudden overpopulation of sluts in the freshman class. The weird thing is it's not even new students, people are just ... changing. Or maybe they are just finally being themselves. Regardless I don't want anything to do with them. It astounds me how you could even think about losing your virginity at fourteen years of age, I'm not saying I'm going to wait until I'm married or anything but I'm definitely waiting until I'm in love. And it doesn't matter what she says because she was not in love. How do I know this? Well she did cheat on him and break up with him, then hook up with him and cheat on him again. Very classy Sierra. But I suppose I'm judging her on rumors, but I do know for a fact that she gave him head. But there are a huge amount of rumors floating around. But I don't honestly know what truth lies behind them, all I know is that she made out with five guys turnabout night and that she gave a guy head, and that she's a cheater so that's enough to let me know that I really don't want anything to do her or any of her foursome (we call the three other girls that follow her around her foursome because she said that if she was a lesbian she would "hop into bed with all of them") Wow.

But in retrospect, this day wasn't completely horrible. Ever since Turnabout Marcus and I have been a little awkward but today all of the weirdness was finally gone. It feels really good to not be fighting with anyone, and the relationship between my parents and I are great and Connor (my little brother) and I are getting along great. I'm closer to all of my friends than I ever have been, my grades aren't what they could be but oh well I have time to fix that and the swim team is great! So in reality my life is pretty good :D

Hot Steams

You are walking down an empty road and you know there is no one by your side, and yet you constantly glance behind you in attempts to find them. A small shadow that you catch in the periphery of your vision and when you strain to find it once more it is but a distant thought. You laugh off this odd sensation and your instinct is to run because you know there is someone there, watching you from afar, and yet breathing down your neck all at once. You are terrified and yet you find some strange comfort in knowing someone is watching over you, even for an instant. So you keep on walking, and glancing, and feeling their gaze set directly on you, and you long to see them so you know exactly what is screaming in your ear ever so silently. But you do not dare look, for even though you know they are right behind you, you are sadly aware that once you turn the lights on they will disappear; waiting until the darkness returns.

Retail Therapy

Today i went to the Napa Outlets to go shopping, instead of describing what I bought (because I'm feeling particularly lazy tonight) I'm going to put up pictures.

JSHS vs. Drake

Justin-Siena vs. Drake

I participated in the 200 meter IM relay, I swam breast stroke; the 200 meter freestyle relay, and the 400 meter freestyle relay. I don't know the scores yet but considering Drake is one of the best teams in the league, I am pretty proud of myself.

Turnabout

I haven't written in forever I know but I have literally had absolutely no time to sleep let alone blog about my life. This passed week i have been working on my advanced placement classes for next year. But that isn't really what I want to talk about. Yesterday was the Turnabout dance at the Marriot Hotel in Napa.

We all met at my friend, Michelle's house and then we went out to dinner. Nothing tragically

eventful happened except that the bill reached $800! We were all confused but I wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to have that much cash in my hands. We got there via party bus and to everyone out there I highly recommend it, our bus driver turned off all of the lights and blasted the music; we just drove around having a pre-party. When we pulled up to the hotel all twenty-four of us toppled out of the bus and headed in.

The dance itself wasn't very good but the drama was juicy as usual. Sierra made out with five guys in the space of four hours and rumors are rushing around school that she gave some guy head, so her reputation is pretty much destroyed. The really sad thing is that she doesn't regret it at all; which completely confuses me. I mean, I haven't even kissed a guy yet but whatever I have self respect

I suppose.

The after party was by far the best part of the night. We all went to Michael Guzman's house and just chilled. It made me sad that I might not be here next year but we all talked about it and they assured me that we would all stay friends. Im so greatful that I have made such amazing friends, but I know that no matter how much we want to stay close, it is so easy to drift apart with our different lives. All I know is that for now I am enjoting every minute of the time I have with them.

Worst Weekend Ever

Along with my 'friends' ditching me this weekend, but Marcus called me and told me that he's going to be in Tahoe the weekend of Turnabout, I am insanely pissed off. The only good news is that I already have another date and it only took me two days to find one, ya, I'm that good.

Over It

Words cannot express how sick I am of living here with all of these people, I can't begin to understand these girls I call my friends. So my friends and I were planning a trip to San Francisco for the past two weeks and I'm at home sick and babysitting my little brother, and guess where my 'friends' are. They didn't even attempt to call me,so I don't know why I'm so hurt, because they were obviously never my friends. It really sucks because I trusted them and I really thought they cared about me and I was just about to think I was fitting in here. Obviously I'm so wrong. All I can say is that I'm so glad I'm moving because I don't think I could take another year with these fake girls.

Swim Practice

Today was the first officual Swim team practice, I thought I would be practicing with Kara and Rachel, but of course I am put in the advanced swim practice group; thanks a lot coach Couglin.

12:15 pm

I wish I could say that I'm not bored right now, but shockingly enough, sitting in silence in World History, third period, is the last thing I want to be doing. The drama from Turnabout has been constant today, I just want to scream at people that it's just one dance! Why bother stressing yourself out over one night, which is probably going to be just as, if not more dramatic than the weeks leading up to it.

To make matters worse Maddy Long is mad at me and I don't even know why, and I can tell she's constantly talking about me behind my back to everyone; but she has been acting weird lately and I'm worried about her. It seems like she's trying to be like her older sister and rebel, she's been talking about smoking weed and going out and getting drunk to everyone and everyone is losing respect for her and that really sucks. Everyone is starting to dislike her and I would hat it if she starts getting a reputation like Alex or Katie. I think I have stood up for her three times today, and even if she knew that I did, I doubt she would care. Maddy is in a bad place right now and I seriously doubt that she cares about me at all right now.

Cheerleaders From Hell

Why does this drama keep happening to me?

So yesterday I went to the girls basketball game at Justin-Siena; and when Maddy, Vendy, and I walked out into the parking lot to get picked up by Kara, I hear Katie talking and I look behind me to find the cheerleader bus. I start walking over to the bus to talk to Cara Fitz and I hear "You have a big forehead!" from a random sophomore on the bus; I didn't react so Katie yells "Say it again she didn't hear you!" I blow a kiss to Kara and Katie is laughing her fat ass off so I tell her to piss off. When we all get to Kara's house Kara and Vendy call her and ask Katie who said that about me. She didn't say who, I'm just laughing thinking about how these pathetic sophomores are so threatened by me, and that the worst insult they could think of was that I have a big forehead. Wow. I tell Katie that she should point out any other of my flaws, of course non of the cheerleaders could find anything wrong with me; which just made the entire situation that much better. Later that night Katie calls Michelles phone and wanted to talk to me, she explained that she didn't say that about me, but I absolutely heard her tell the girl to repeat it. She's like I love you and crap like that, I told her not to talk to me at school and before she could reply I hung up on her. She called back but I ignored the call. Monday is going to be very interesting.

Home Sick

Have you ever woken up wishing you could go back in time? I do, all the time. I talked to my best friend Meaghan, who is currently living in Singapore right now. We talked for about three hours last night about everything, this is pretty unusual for us, we usually talk for much longer. It's so hard living half way across the world from your best friend, she's the only one I've ever been able to talk to, and now we only talk once every two months. I guess that's why I'm writing in this blog right now, I need to express how I'm feeling, but I can't exactly trust anyone with the big issues in my life. I'm really excited though, Meaghans moving back to Colorado this Summer, and my mum and I are going to help them move in. It's pretty cool that my mum and Miss Eloise (Meaghan's mum) are best friends too, it makes it easier for us to see each other.

I guess I'm also missing Singapore a lot lately as well, it's so different here in California. I always have to worry about my safety here, I never had to think about that in Singapore, and I hate turning on the news to find gang wars and countless girls being raped every day. I would never be one of those girls in Singapore, but here, it's not as impossible for my life to be taken from me. But I suppose there are bad people everywhere, in Singapore though, they are all too afraid of the Government to act out the evil deeds they think about. On the other hand, I remember when the terrorist attempted to attack Singapore American School, even though no one ever thought he would be able to get away with it. I also miss the culture in Singapore, or the lack of a stereotype, there was simply too diverse a population for there to be just one culture. Even though there were some segregation; the chinese and malaysian population lived mainly in China Land, while the Indian population lived mainly in Little India, and the European and American population lived mainly in the woodlands. And even though there were distinct cultural town, people intermingled on a daily basis in the city, schools, and practically everywhere you go. I truly do miss that, I feel that most people in the U.S. are so close minded, not everyone is of course, but a lot. I think thats why I don't fit in; but think I'm okay with that, I wouldn't take back anything I've done in my lifetime; and I don't know many people who share that mind set.

A Scary Day

Today was an extremely drama filled day. It seemed like every time you turned a corner there was a crying girl or a mob of angry sophomores trying to ruin a freshman's life, but I'm getting too far ahead of myself....

When I got to school this morning I was expecting the day to be average. First of all Lily, Sierra, and I went to the math room because we all needed to make up tests. When I was about done with my test, Smokin' of all people walks into the class. I don't' know exactly how long he was in the room without me knowing because I only noticed him when I looked up and found him looking right at me. I'm so glad the first thought that popped into my head was to cock my eyebrow, give a little smirk, and keep on going with my test; while on the inside i was giggling like a little school girl. I hate that feeling of "I'm over him, I'm over him..." and when he walks through the door you get that overwhelming sensation of "Oh crap." It's complete madness how logically, I should be staying as far away from this guy as possible, I mean, he's a pot head, he's slept with about one quarter of the sophomore class, and he's trying to play me. He's only after one thing I know, but there's no harm in playing him back ... right? Anyway when we were all done with our tests we walked over to Freshman Land with just enough time to get our books together and head off to seventh period... English.

Nothing exciting happened over Break, sixth period, or Lunch; other than the fact that Kara and I had to go to a Swim Team meeting, but shockingly enough that wasn't exciting enough to go into detail about. At lunch I was talking to my friends and I was beginning to notice that Joey and I are getting pretty close, I'm not exactly sure if I'm into him. Of course he's a great friend, and he's cute, and I love being around him; but I don't think I could see myself dating him, even though we flirt 24/7. Oh well, I'll explore this topic later maybe.

After fifth period was flex, and that's when all of the nonsense began....

So here's the first act of drama ... Katie and Alex were gossiping about sophomores (note to Alex : never a smart idea when Katie's around) So Katie went back to the sophomores and told them everything Alex said, and she's not exactly anyone favorite person so this act of stupidity wasn't taken lightly by about half of the sophomore class. About ten minutes into flex Katie calls a deranged sophomore and says something along the lines of "She's wherever, come and get her" And so a herd of slutty sophomore girls come over to freshman land ready to hunt and kill Alex; so of course she runs to the office for safety. Obviously no one was going to stand up for her, and even though I'm not a member of Team Alex, I walk over to the sophomores and explain the misunderstanding; after about five more minutes they lost interest and went back to the DMZ. That's when Katie and I had a chat. I basically pointed out how her backstabbing Alex will never be tolerated and she needed to go apologize; which she did. The thing about Katie is that she acts really tough, because no one will step up to her due to her manly physic, but once you confront her face to face she'll walk away with her tail between her legs. That pretty much settled the first act of drama today, but that's only the beginning....

After the drama between Alex and Katie had subsided; I sat with Vivian and Alexis hoping to escape the petty High School drama for five minutes. Wrong. Apparently Grant (Vivian's ex-boyfriend, who they are now sort of getting back together, the whole thing is very confusing I know) and Margaret were sexting a few nights ago and Margaret was bad mouthing Alexis, calling her a bitch and a slut and stuff like that. Obviously Alexis didn't take it very well and Vivian wasn't too pleased either. But what tipped Vivian over the edge was the fact that Grant stood up for Margaret; I don't know, I don't think this is a big deal but if they're willing to cry about this crap I'm not going to stop them...

Finally we have come to our last act of drama, well this isn't so much drama as it is awesome ... for me anyway. I asked Marcus to Turnabout today, it was a little lame I just kind of threw the bag of M&M's at him. Austin caught it of course and we're all like "Give it to Marcus!" He was saying how cute it was and how he's never going to eat them. And even though he's known I was going to ask him forever, I still think it went pretty well.

Anyway that's all for today. I hope this weekend doesn't suck, I'm supposed to go to a basketball game tomorrow at Justin. Marcus and Michelle and then a bunch of other people want me to go, so that should be fun I guess. Bye for now I guess.

Long Time Gone

Wow I haven't blogged in a while. So right now I'm pretty much going to write about what happened yesterday....

I had to wake up at nine in the morning (yes that's early for me) to help clean up for the crab feed, which the rest of the Justin-Siena sports teams were doing as well. I met all of my friends and we helped pick up chairs, put tables away. Vendy told me that when theclass was praying (yes i know it's gay) Marcus raised his hand and said "I want to thank God for my hot turnabout date Nicole Love) Hahaha. After about and hour and a half of non - stop cleaning, Vendy, Kara, Susannah, and I went to Vallergas to get breakfast food for our feast. We got crepes, belgian waffles, cinnamon rolls, oatmeal, strawberries, bananas, blueberries, raspberries, and apples to make a fruit salad. Unfortunately Suzie's dad picked her up so Vendy, Kara and I had to eat all that food by ourselves. The really sad thing is that we didn't have a lot of leftovers. Except for the fruit salad but we turned that into a smoothie (it was amazing!) we added blue food coloring so the smoothie looked like something Spock would drink. It was definitely the greatest smoothie ever made in the history of man kind, and I'm not exaggerating a little bit. After that we went on an hour and a half walk up a random hill that Kara lives next to, we walked her dog Dodger in attempts to burn off our feast, it totally worked we were exhausted. Mostly because we lost the dog a thousand times so we had to run to get it.

Well after that I went home so that was pretty much my sunday. We also made plans for next weekend but I'll tell you about that later.

Crap

Today was a horrible day. Katie (a.k.a. the mega bitch) found out about me asking Marcus to Turnabout and I almost got shanked! It was so scary (because Katie is a total man and all...) But it was okay because absolutely everyone was on my side. Ya it's pretty official that no one wants Katie to be on our Turnabout group, the only bad thing is Katie has a devious way of finding out everyone's business so we aren't exactly sure how we're going to keep this plan a secret. Anyway we'll figure everything out.

Ego Boost

Last night my dad came home from being in Madagascar or Africa for the past week. He was still very sad about my grandfather so we all had to put on our smiles for him. I don't know if it phases my little brother, but my dads' constant absence is really starting to get to me. I think my dad knows how I feel because he is always asking me how he can be a better father, I know he tries the best he can to always be there for us; but sometimes I wish he was here if I needed to talk or I had a question on my homework. And I know that the only reason he travels is to give Connor and I a better life than he had, but it still sucks.

Anyway, I was on the morning bus as usual when My friend Max Hilliard was talking about his friend Arthur and Turnabout. Max says that both he and Arthur agree that I have gotten a lot hotter over Winter Break; this obviously brightened my day. And I'm not being conceded but when two guys agree that your appearance has improved drastically, it does brighten your mood a little. Then later I was talking to my friend Landon and explaining what happened on the bus this morning and he completely agreed, and then he said that more than a few of the other guys in Freshman year agree. Yet another massive boost to my ego. Then at lunch I was talking to Marcus and we were talking about Turnabout and Katie (and I found the perfect way to ask him, I personalized M&M's to say 'Turnabout?' in blue and "-Nicole" in silver, only because he really likes candy) and then I'm like, would you want to go with Katie? He answered so fast it was hilarious. By the way he answered with a Hell no I want to go with you. And yet another ego boost. It was epic.

Procrastination

01.22.10

Nothing very exciting happened at school today, but after school I hung out with Lily, Kara, Michelle, and all those other people because we were all sleeping over at Lily's house, but I'm getting ahead of myself. Since Amanda, Vendy, Suzie, and Michelle had to leave for basketball; Lily, Kara, Maddy, and I were just hanging out with the boys who had a basketball game later on. Alex and I put on a bet to see who was the better hugger, Max Wilkinson and Grant Wright were the testers and the vote was unanimous that I was the better hugger. Alex was not too happy. I don't remember over what, but Landon and I got into a fight, but we cuddled and made up about ten minutes later. A little while later we got bored so Kara and I decided that Grant would look like Pete Wentz with mascara on, so we of course had to put it on him. It wasn't like we forced it on him, although he pretended to struggle...

At about three thirty Lily's mom came and took Maddy, Kara, lily, and I to In n Out Burger; we were all high on sugar when we saw two guys, which of course me and Kara decided to hit on them. After they left we decided to run to Target where we tried on saucy lingerie and made jokes about them being our "after party wear" We then made our way over to the drinks were we bought two different martini flavors (peach and mandarin) They weren't really alcoholic, we added Sprite to them. Anyway! After we were done at Target we went back to the school where we watched the JV Boys Basketball game (which they lost), the Freshman Girls Basketball game (which they won), and the Freshman Boys Basketball game (which they won) during this time I was hanging out with Caldballs, Mac Wilkinson, Landon, and Grant. And of course Lily, Kara, and Maddy. A little while later Marcus' little brother, Mac and little sister, Mazy came and sat with us because Marcus was playing on the JV team. Kara introduced me as "Nicole, the girl who is asking your brother to Turnabout" she then asked him if I was pretty and he shyly nodded, it was so cute. Nothing else major happened at the game so I'm just going to skip ahead to the good part.

When we finally got to Lily's house (which is amazing by the way!) we all got settled in her guest house and started doing what we usually do. Dancing, eating, creating random drinks out of whatever we could find in the fridge. After we crashed a little Lily and I started talking about guys. Lily is apparently in love with Caldballs, so she very kindly put the responsibility of hooking them up in my shoulders. I'm happy to do it, everyone knows how I love to help people. At about two thirty in the morning I crashed, I don't know if the other girls fell asleep later or at the same time as me. But something terrible happened when I woke up the next morning... I had pink eye and I did for the next two days. It was horrible.

Back to School

First day back at school after a week of sudden disappearance sounds easy enough, but when you have to explain the sudden death of your grandfather a hundred or so times, the day seems to drag on. I simply want to know why, after you elaborate on the funeral, people have this incredible need to ask "So was Scotland fun?" Of course Scotland wasn't fun you idiots! So as the day wore on I got about a thousand hugs, "I missed you's" and questions about the trip. By lunch everything was normal again (well as normal as I could possibly get) Vendela talked to Marcus about turnabout and he said he would go with me, well he said it more enthusiastically than that. I think Katie overheard Vendela and Marcus' conversation because she didn't look very happy when she saw me and Vendela talking about it. Whatever, I'm still probably going to ask Marcus, I just don't know when... A while after that Michelle, Kara, Caldballs, Mitch, and I were thinking of when we could go paintballing; we decided on this Saturday but when I aske my mom she said I couldn't go. I am going to be so upset if I can't hang out with my friends after a week of family time, I might die. And I am not being dramatic.

Desperate

I can't stop crying, I keep thinking about how I never got to say goodbye. It's not fair, I should be close to my family. I'm completely alone here, I don't even have a best friend. No one knows me, the real me anyway; I don't even think I know myself. I can't believe I have spent my entire life in increments of two years, not long enough to make real friends, not long enough to have a boyfriend, I've never even had a home. Everything is changing, we might be moving, my grandfather just died, the amount of drama I am being forced to jump head first into tomorrow at school; I just want at least one thing in my life to stay constant...

The Funeral

I don't know why it has taken me this long to write about my grandfathers' funeral, but I couldn't bring myself to remember last Friday. I don't know what I was expecting, but going to the church that my grandfather was baptized in, where he grew up; made his loss that much more real to me.

I remember waking up at the crack of dawn, getting dressed in all black, numb to the Scottish cold; and driving twenty minutes to my Grandmothers' house and seeing all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins.We shuffled into black limousines and drove to the church. Ten minutes after the service had started I finally noticed the coffin, a few seconds later I remembered that my grandfather was in there. I have never cried so hard in my life, maybe it was the realization that he was but a lifeless corpse, that his life came down to an hour and a half service with a room full of about fifty-five people; or the realization that he would never be a phone call away, that i would never hear another corny joke, or that i would never again feel his frail arms wrap around me desperately trying to remember all the moments we shared together...

When the service came to a close we returned to the black cars and went to the crematory, after a fifteen minute speech the minister had previously prepared, the red curtains closed, forever taking my grandfather. His body turned to ash, ready for us to scatter next summer. After the funeral and cremation we all went to a pub called "The Back Yard" ... I don't think the events that took place there were important, so it's not even worth writing down. All I know is that I have never felt more alone in my entire life, and I have absolutely no one to talk to, all I have is him.

On A Personal Note

Ok so here's the story....

About a week and a half ago I told my friend Katie that I was going to ask Marcus to the Turnabout Dance in the second week of February, I was mostly going to ask him because he is taller than me (and that NEVER happens) because I wanted to wear cute heels. Anyway, Katie then told me that Marcus and her discussed Turnabout and he agreed to go with her as friends, so I, of course, never asked him because I'm not into backstabbing. I never gave it a second thought until last night when he sent me a text ... I might as well just right down the conversation because it wasn't very long and I doubt I could explain it any better.

Marcus - What did Katie tell you?

Nicole - ???

Marcus - I heard she talked to you about turnabout?

Nicole - Oh ya ... So?

Marcus - She didn't say anything mean did she because that pissed me off that she talked to you about not asking me.

Nicole - Don't be I don't get into those stupid arguments.

Marcus - What did she say?

Nicole - Well I'm like I might ask him (as friends) lol, then shes like oh I already did and he said he's go with me so I'm just like OK whatever...

Marcus - I never said yes to her and she never asked me. She's a liar and don't say anything but I would rather have gone with you over her or anyone who asked me.

Nicole - Awwwww, I love you!

Marcus - I love you too Nicole!

Nicole - So wait. How did you even find out?

Marcus - Zane.

Nicole - How did Zane find out? OMG I'm so confused! So wait... Are you going with Katie???

And then he never replied back and I'm still confused. I guess the only reason why I'm mad at Katie is because she lied to my face, and I don't like to associate with people like that.

Denial

I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I still don't feel like he's gone, but I'm sure it will sink in that I will never hug my grandfather again by tomorrow. That is the day of the funeral after all. I'm expecting to cry ... a lot, and to wish I saw him one last time, and hope that we will meet in another lifetime.

Yesterday most of my immediate family gathered at my grandmother's house to meet the minister and to discuss the plans for Ol' Dans' funeral. The family members who attended were Grandma, Mum, Dad, Young Danny, Sam, Connor, Uncle Allen, Uncle Danny, Aunty Mary, and Jim. Mark, Ross, and Aunty Mary didn't come because who knows why. My grandmother cried of course, but I was there to console her, i thought it was odd that I was the only one doing so.

We completely sorted out the funeral, although that doesn't make dealing with the day any easier. I've never been to a funeral before, so I don't really know what to expect, the most important thing is that my family is here, and although their is already a massive amount of drama, I don't think I would make my family any different...

Airport

Sitting in a squeaky airport chair in absolute silence is by far the last way I was planning to spend my Monday morning. I had to wake up at three twenty in the morning because the car was coming to pick my mother, brother, and I at four in the morning (because my dad left for Scotland last night) Due to the fact that my mother is frantic and my brother is absolutely useless, it was basically my responsibility to check in, get our bags checked, and verify all of our passports. I don't really mind though, after all I have been navigating airports and memorizing departure times and terminal numbers since before I could walk. I'm glad I can help my mother because I think the loss of my grandfather is taking its toll on her, and even though Ol' Dan was my father's father, my mother and him were very close. And even if she refuses to show it for my brother and I's sake, I can see she is mourning his loss very harshly.

My younger brother is, of course, oblivious to anything around him. He's locked away in his own little world that his iPod gladly creates. He nearly had a melt down due to the fact that he learned we would be flying to Scotland Economy, as opposed to the usual Business class we always fly. I doubt my mother was too happy about this act as well but again, she refused to show it. I've never cared how we fly, of course the luxuries of Business Class are enjoyable, but I feel that the destination is what is important, especially on this trip. I simply reminded Connor that this trip was never planned and that he should be thankful we even got these tickets, for the weather in Scotland made it almost impossible.

I said my good-byes last night. I must have gotten a thousand "I'm sorrys" a million "send my condolences" and far too many "I'll miss yous" to keep track of. I appreciate their thoughts, but nothing they can say can make it any easier to bare. All I could have done is say thank you and change the subject as fast as possible. To make matters worse I awoke to find I received my monthly gift this morning. Imagine traveling for twenty one hours with your period. To say the least, I am not happy.

Ol' Dan

Dear Grandpa,

What am I going to do without you...?

Bad News

Yesterday at about one thirty in the afternoon my Uncle Allen called my family and I from Scotland telling us that my grandfather has passed away. I suppose it's the way things are and always will be, but we all thought that Ol' Dan would live forever. I always pictured him sitting in the front row at my wedding, holding my children, telling them corny jokes and teaching them everything bout World War II, and the Rangers.

I think the things about him I will remember the most are his harmonica and his farm hat. There is no one in the world like him and the family is going to be a lot quieter with him gone, and I hate that. My only regret was that I couldn't say goodbye, the best I could have done was call him and say "I love you" My Uncle Allen said he smiled, so somewhere past the Alzheimer's that took his memories of his family, he must have remembered me. Everyone said that Connor and I were his favorite grandchildren, probably because of our California accents and bleach blonde hair. I just wish I was around more, and even though the bond between my grandfather and I was so strong, I can't help but feel guilty of my absence.

When I saw him this summer while I was on my trip to Scotland by myself I lay in his bed with him as we watched the Rangers defeat the Celtics. That's the last time I saw him, I'll always remember the image of him crying as I walked in the front door the first time that summer, that and the look on his face when I got on the plain to go back to California. Somehow I think he knew that that would be the last time I saw him.

I saw my father cry for the first time yesterday, My mother was our rock, but I don't think it truly phased Connor, for he showed no true sign of remorse. But I don't blame him, the last time he saw Ol' Dan was two years ago. Connor was always closer to my Grandmother. But I know Connor will miss Grandpa. The first song I heard after he passes away was "Dream On" by Aerosmith. I don't think my father and I will ever forget that song.

We're getting on a plain for Scotland at four in the morning tomorrow, and my grandfathers' funeral is on Thursday. I'm expecting this week to be that hardest of my life, I'm only glad that I get to spent it in the company of my family, after all, that's how Ol' Dan would have wanted his life to be celebrated...

Drama, Drama, Drama

Today was a very dramatic day. The day started off pretty normal, but everything started to fall apart around lunch. To start off, J.J. told me that while she was in English she was talking to some of the sophomore guys (including Erik Dugoni, which is only important because Maddy likes him) and they said that the three hottest freshman girls are me, Suzie, and Kara. This is really cool but last night Maddy almost had a mental breakdown because she thought that Erik didn't think she was hot. So the problem her is if Maddy ever finds out that Erik said that I'm so screwed.

Anyway at afternoon Flex Vivian broke up with Grant (which was probably my fault because she was always complaining about no being single so I told her to dump his ass as a joke but I guess she took it seriously) Anyway as if one relationship problem wasn't enough, Brenda is thinking of breaking up with Landon. Only because Alex J. (who we all pretty much hate now) was being such a slut and throwing herself all over Landon and practically forcing him to ditch Brenda, even though Landon was being a jerk it was mostly her fault. So I was talking to Brenda a little earlier and I persuaded her not to break up with him (I've done enough damage for one day when it comes to romance) And I assured her that on the off chance Landon does go for Alex, he's in no way good enough for her. I also told her that boys come and go but your girls are forever, except for Alex J. of course.

When I got home and completed all of my homework I decided that I was going to ask Marcus to Turnabout. I was feeling very confident until I started texting Kati, who said she was going to ask him. It's not like they like each other or anything, there just good friends. It just kind of sucks because she likes this other guy, Alex Wild, and she refuses to ask him because he's a sophomore. Even though they are practically dating anyway. Oh well I'm sure we'll freak at the dance and that's all I really want anyway. And this way I get to freak on any guy I want to without feeling guilty (even though he's the only guy I want to dance with)

Worried

Today I woke up to my parents fighting about how my mom talked to me yesterday morning. I don't really care because I know she doesn't mean it, or do it on purpose. My dad told my mom that she was wrong for treating me like that, but she told me that she's just lonely, and unhappy with her life here. I guess that's why she's pushing so hard for us to move. She thinks that once she starts her new job and when we move to the new house with the city nearby and more importantly, a town, nearby, she'll be happy and stop taking out her misery on my dad and I. I'm just glad that Connor doesn't know anything about this, because I honestly don't think he can handle all of this stress. Because after all, my dad and I are used to it...

First Day Blues

Well it's my first day back at Justin-Siena High School. I don't know why I'm surprised but I have about two hours of homework tonight, and that's only in World History and Biology. So of course I'm excited for the rest of the Semester ... not. I have a Religion project, a Biology project, and an Ed Skills assignment. Could somebody please just kill me?

Today was the first day of Ed Skills and it was like the first day all over again, thank god that my girls are in that class with me. Sierra, Michelle, Kara, and Cara. I don't know what I would do without them. The teacher wanted to meet the class so she gave us sticky notes and made us answer the statements "I learned...", "I wish I knew...", "I didn't know...". Or something like that. Anyway, me and Kara answered each question with something to do with falling in love with Austin Connelly (which would never happen) The teacher was thoroughly confused and it was perfect because it was anonymous so there was no way we could get into any trouble. The entire experience was just beautiful.

Anyway when I got home I immediately went onto skype and me and my girls started talking about turnabout. I decided that I might ask Marcus, not because I like him, but because he's really cool and he's tall enough so that I could wear heals. Anyway when I got home I realized that I like Marcus. Crap. But he's so sweet, when I was walking to Biology he comes up to me and links his arm with mine and he started asking me about my break. Then he said if he dosn't sit next to me (because his desk was next to mine all last semester) he's going to be really sad, and when our desks were apart he comes up to me and he was like "I'm going to kill Mr. Landry." And he kept whispering funny jokes making fun of Mr. Landry and his creepy looks, I was hysterical. And during break I was skyping him and he's like, I know i give you a lot of shit, but you're one of my favorite girls. And I thought that was really sweet, and we were friends before but we were never really that close. I don't know I think this crush will pass in a few days but as for Turnabout, I don't know if I'm going to ask him or not...

The End

I am very sad to say that Winter Break is officially over as of tomorrow morning at eight o clock, when the bell will ring and we must shuffle along to our first class. The second quarter will begin and there will be six long months of school until the sweet relief of Summer vacation. Really nothing exciting is happening this week, except we get our grades tomorrow and I don't think my 3.71 grade point average is going to impress my parents. The Turnabout dance is in about a month and it may seem like I have plenty of time to figure out a date, but once you see the freshman guys at my school you'll realize that it is totally acceptable for me to procrastinate me asking a guy to a stupid Turnabout dance. I'm not at all excited for school tomorrow but I suppose I should get an early night tonight so I don't look like total crap tomorrow.

Blast From The Past

Well, today I woke up at noon because I was skyping with Sammy and Susannah all night. I don't even know what we talk about anymore, I suppose there is an infinite amount of conversation starters programmed into out brains; it's the only way to explain how we never seem to know anyone well enough. Anyway, my parents went out to lunch and they didn't get back until five in the afternoon. So obviously I missed the four o clock Girl's JV Basketball game that Michelle was playing in, I'm a little sad because this would have been the first time I saw Susannah and Hannah since the beginning of Winter Break. After a little while I decided to go on Facebook and I discovered that my "Friend of the Day' is Zach Brencsons (my ex-boyfriend from seventh grade when I still lived in Singapore) And then my old friend Brian Blume was like, oh that's perfect because it's Zach's birthday; so of course I wished him a happy birthday on his profile and then I was catching up with both of them. It's weird how a single conversation can make u realize how much you miss your old life. Talking to them made me remember all the soda fights, embarrassing moments, inside jokes, school fairs, dancing in the rain, crushes, break ups, make ups, broken hearts, school dances, random parties, and the many laughs I have shared with my friends in Singapore. Sometimes I wish I never left, but I guess that's what makes us stronger. And it's not like I was the only one, both Brian and Zach live in the U.S.A. now, Zach in New Jersey and Brian in Louisiana, and I live in California obviously. Zach and I have settles in pretty well, but Brian isn't fitting in so well. I don't blame him, moving is so hard. Diving into a place where you don't know a single person, one good thing about it is that you can be whoever you want to be. I suppose that's why I don't' know who I am yet ... I've been way too many different people. But that's OK, I've got plenty of time to figure it out.

2010!

2010 baby!!! You better hope it's going to be better than 2009. And to all the souls of 09 ... You will be missed!